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Author Topic: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
MamaNeedsH-
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: December 26, 2015, 19:34
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Hello, this is my very first post to this site. I need help. I'm killing myself to keep my daughter from killing herself. If that makes any sence. But, as her mother, I feel that I've got to keep trying. She is addicted to smoking weed and spice and drinking liquor. And if she has the money, she does oxys also. I'm at a loss. She has just recently lost custody of her two children. Thank GOD that my sister has a wonderful home with a wonderful husband and other children. She took them in. When my daughter comes home high, it's a slap in the face. I tell her to not come home if she's going go out and get high. I'm lost. I've gotten to where I go through her purse and her truck to make sure she doesn't have anything. And well, I usually find something. She has overdosed twice and had to be put on life support. She was smoking spice, taking ambien and oxys and xanax at the same time. Why would a person do that? I've had to call 911 plenty of times because I couldn't wake her up. About a month ago, she had to be brought to the er by ambulance and she had a 3.7 blood alcohol level. Right there at a coma state. She just got back from a week benge. I couldn't get in touch with her or the "friend" she was with, but I knew almost where they might be. I called the police after 3 days of not being able to get in touch with her and they finally found her and brought her home. When she's gone I find myself calling or texting her almost constantly. And I sit on my patio waiting for her to get back home. I'm scared to death that I will out live her. That cannot happen. I can't let it. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to be able to protect her from everything bad. I feel like I'm living to keep her alive....that's my only purpose in life is to keep my daughter alive.

Babimaya
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: February 20, 2016, 17:38
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Quote from Prizm96 on December 20, 2013, 15:21
I am really, really struggling right now. My husband has been an active addict for about 5 years now. We have been attending AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings for about a year now. He still has many bouts of use. He's a strange bird as he isn't an everyday user, but maybe weekly or biweekly. He is attempting the 12 step programs and really does seem to have his heart in it.

I am very familiar with the steps and concept of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon (We currently have no Nar-Anon groups available locally.) But I can't seem to LET GO.

For example, there are days that are known triggers: When it's been a couple of weeks and it's a pay-week, is more than likely when he'll use. So...... on those days (TODAY) I am a wreck with worry and anxiety! It literally makes my day a complete waste. I know, logically, that this is stupid. I know all of the things I'm supposed to know: I didn't cause this, I can't change it. I can't control what he does/doesn't do. I'm in control of my own happiness. God can restore me to sanity. (I pray ALL the time).
I know all of this..... but I can't seem to stop. I went home at lunch and was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out if he was high or not. Sometimes it's so blatant, there's no doubt. Other times, there's a hint of doubt and I make it my J-O-B to figure it out. Even though, I know that isn't the healthy thing to do..... for ME.
Don't get me wrong though, I am HUGELY better than I was, say a year ago. Before many Al-Anon meetings, but I still struggle occasionally. And this is one of those occasions. I thought I was doing tons better awhile ago, but a couple of weeks ago he got high on a pretty important day, something we had to do. I was devastated and can't seem to shake it. I'm so angry, hurt, frustrated, on and on and on.......

I need a sponsor. Period. With my schedule now, I am able to attend 2 different Al-Anon meetings. And they DO help, but there isn't anyone at those meetings that I feel is a good sponsor for me. They are both extremely small meetings. One night is just me and an old man that started it because there was a need. He's been in AA for 25 years, he's never been on this side of the disease. The other meeting has a really great lady that I love to talk to, but she's never had to practice this program with an active addict. In fact, she often says she doesn't know if she could handle it if her husband stepped back out. *sigh* I need experience, strength and hope from someone that's "been there, done that". Someone that has actual, real life experience with active addiction.

I know what I'm "supposed" to do. I just don't know HOW. Or what that looks like in a real life situations. It's easy to say, "Detach with love" or "Let go and let God" or the Serenity Prayer. But what does that really look like when you come home from work with plans for the family to go shopping or out to eat and your husbands high? What if it makes you sick to your stomach to be around him in this state?
Do you break the plans? Causing distress for the kids. Do you suck it up and play 'good wife'?

I get so angry sometimes when I read the literature and go to the meetings and it says something about 'not causing arguments, stress, don't nag, etc
I mean, God forbid we make the addict angry, right?!?!

I'm sorry. I think I've babbled enough. I'm just really having a hard time today. I have attended one of these online meetings a few weeks ago. I think I'll try it again.

Is it possible to have an online sponsor? Someone you've never met? Is that honestly successful?

Thank you to anyone still reading this craziness. I just needed to get it out.

Love to all of you!

Chrissy

Sunnygal12
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: January 29, 2017, 20:50
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I agree that detaching with love is hard. When I was first exposed to this concept, I would show no emotion and act like I did not care. Now I am sympathetic, but not empathetic, because I still become angry when I notice my DH is sabotaging himself by using too many pain pills and going through withdrawals. Thank you, Leftcoastannie, for providing some encouragement. Being sympathetic is definitely better than acting like I did not care about what my DH was going through when he got angry at doctors or went through withdrawals.

Sunnygal12
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: January 29, 2017, 21:04
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Quote from leftcoastannie on November 22, 2013, 18:53
Hi teenykat,

Boy, can I relate to what you’ve been experiencing. In the beginning I spent so much time denying that things would never be the same. ‘Kept waiting for my addicted loved one to stop the destructive behavior so we could pick up where we left off, but of course that didn’t happen. My addicted loved one had changed and so had I. Change usually involves grieving the way things were, or the loss of what might have been. Eventually I found that the only way to move past the pain (and anger) was to allow myself to grieve. I cried, did a LOT of praying, cried, went to meetings, cried, read Nar-Anon literature and cried while spending time chatting with other members - they were the only people who really understood what I was going through. I invite you to attend a meeting here in the chat room. There is a fellowship of warm, caring people who are there for you and others to lean on. Hope to chat with you soon.

Yours in service and friendship,
Annie

Thank you, Leftcoastannie, for sharing the process you went through to learn how to detach with love. I have been in CoDA for less than a year, and I have trouble doing this. I just have to be patient with myself. 😉

Nannersmom
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: February 10, 2017, 10:09
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I am new to this site...My addict is my 25 year old beautiful, lost daughter. DOC is meth among I am sure others. Also her addict bf. I really need an online meeting as we only have one Naranon meeting in our state! I would love a sponsor as well. It is a family disease for sure and I am not sure how our family got to this moment? I have been in contact with the bf mom who is in the exact same place as I am. Lost. Sad. Sick and struggling. I have been following Naranon on Facebook and that has really helped as well. We are a faith filled family, I have an incredibly supportive husband, who is my daughters step-dad. We have gone to the police, the ED, multiple treatment centers...I enable but am working on that as I grow and learn about addiction. I even texted Dr Phil 3 times.
any help would be greatly appreciated. I want to help her save herself 🙁

Nannersmom
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: February 10, 2017, 10:15
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Quote from MamaNeedsHelp on December 26, 2015, 19:34
Hello, this is my very first post to this site. I need help. I'm killing myself to keep my daughter from killing herself.

I right there with you.....my first day here too. my daughter too. letting go seems the most unnatural thing for a mam to do. IF they were sick with cancer, anything...we would do whatever we needed to save them. I hate this. I hate that this is part of my story. I almost wish for a car accident or something that would put her in the hospital for while...how bad it that? I pray constantly. Looking for answers right with you.

MomDonna2
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: March 3, 2017, 19:14
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I am a mother with a 46 year old daughter who began using pain pills around 30 yr of age and it escalated over time. She has a master's degree in mental health counseling, owned 25% of a mental health provider company, a home and a mercedes and today all of those things are gone including her teeth. She was absolutely one of the most beautiful young women and the addiction of pain pills and the last year pain pills melted and intravenously used along with cocaine intravenously used has been hell. She did not begin until she was 30 yr old but blames me - her mother for working and leaving her alone after school etc... She went into detox/rehab December 20th relapsed the 2nd week of February, back into rehab and as of yesterday was sent to a working farm...no visitors for 30 days and no phone calls for 30 days.
It is painful to me to be blamed.

Boxie
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: March 14, 2017, 19:13
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Hopeless Jude-
I can totally relate. My prayers to you and your daughter. A couple of moths ago I found out my AS pretty much emptied our retirement account. Had to go through and press charges. It was the best thing for him. Even though there were 50 or more credit card transactions with 3 charges for each transaction, 2 felonies per charge over 4 counties.The lies and manipulation was ungodly. It was rock bottom for me. I got on the program and meetings and I got my life back slowly. I am finally able to breathe, where there was not any air. My son is due out of a rehab. I have to let him be who he is, using or not. i am learning that I need to find peace for myself even if my AS sober or not. We know how hard it is to change ourselves, so to change another person isnt happening. I have to love where they are at. I am always hopefully for sobriety and will celebrate success when he embraces it. I hope that for all our ALO. Please find a meeting f2f or online. You dont have to be alone. There are friends here that know exactly what your going through and support you. Once we change ourselves the rest falls into place. A place for happiness once again. Many gentle hugs. We all need them.

Barbarafor-
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: June 20, 2017, 18:14
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Letting go is not giving up but realizing that we do not have control over the addict. I found out that until they make the decision to get it out of their lives there is nothing we can do and by always trying to step in and take control we are just hurting ourselves. They are going to do what they are going to do. My daughter is 30 and just got out of residential treatment. I attended the family therapy and did the homework. The homework was basically an assessment on communication, enabling on my part, and setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is difficult but I am trying to stick to those boundaries. The addict learns to manipulate us and only we can stop the manipulation. My daughter has in the past taken things and money to buy drugs with but I was easily talked into giving her money because of her kids. I won't do that anymore. I will buy what she needs and only if there are no other options. I don't give her access to my bank accounts or cards and I have learned a new phrase for those times she comes and tells me she has a problem. I say ok-What are you going to do about it? Fixing it has always been my reaction to problems but that is where I enabled. I am learning to let go and make her solve her own problems. I am having a hard time with wanting to text her and ask her if she is doing what she is suppose to. I was told that letting go is not giving up but giving the problem back to the person it belongs to. Us by wanting to control the person actually drives them to relapsing. I guess if I had someone constantly asking me what are you doing, are you going to meetings, talking to your sponsor etc would be more irritating than helpful. I catch myself doing this and I am just trying to have faith that she is doing what she needs to do. I blame myself too but a friend of mine just reminded me that I wasn't the one giving my daughter drugs, I wasn't the one making the bad decisions, I didn't put the drugs in her hand and made her take them.My daughter hid it all from me and lied about everything. Right now I don't trust her and she knows that I don't. I still feel guilty that I couldn't stop her and that she could so easily get me to believe her lies. It hurts and I am anxious all of the time. I have to relearn everything I believed.

Dawnmarie0-
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Post Re: What does it really mean to “let go with love”?
on: June 24, 2017, 16:40
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HI Jude
everything you are saying I am going through and feeling. My 24 year old son was addicted to oxy and is now using meth and heroine. He is currently wandering the streets of a strange city and I had to say no. I am heartbroken and am starting to realize that I may be as ill as he is. I am hoping to find some help and encouragement in this group as well. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take good care of you.

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