Quote from Prizm96 on December 20, 2013, 15:21
I am really, really struggling right now. My husband has been an active addict for about 5 years now. We have been attending AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings for about a year now. He still has many bouts of use. He's a strange bird as he isn't an everyday user, but maybe weekly or biweekly. He is attempting the 12 step programs and really does seem to have his heart in it.
I am very familiar with the steps and concept of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon (We currently have no Nar-Anon groups available locally.) But I can't seem to LET GO.
For example, there are days that are known triggers: When it's been a couple of weeks and it's a pay-week, is more than likely when he'll use. So...... on those days (TODAY) I am a wreck with worry and anxiety! It literally makes my day a complete waste. I know, logically, that this is stupid. I know all of the things I'm supposed to know: I didn't cause this, I can't change it. I can't control what he does/doesn't do. I'm in control of my own happiness. God can restore me to sanity. (I pray ALL the time).
I know all of this..... but I can't seem to stop. I went home at lunch and was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out if he was high or not. Sometimes it's so blatant, there's no doubt. Other times, there's a hint of doubt and I make it my J-O-B to figure it out. Even though, I know that isn't the healthy thing to do..... for ME.
Don't get me wrong though, I am HUGELY better than I was, say a year ago. Before many Al-Anon meetings, but I still struggle occasionally. And this is one of those occasions. I thought I was doing tons better awhile ago, but a couple of weeks ago he got high on a pretty important day, something we had to do. I was devastated and can't seem to shake it. I'm so angry, hurt, frustrated, on and on and on.......
I need a sponsor. Period. With my schedule now, I am able to attend 2 different Al-Anon meetings. And they DO help, but there isn't anyone at those meetings that I feel is a good sponsor for me. They are both extremely small meetings. One night is just me and an old man that started it because there was a need. He's been in AA for 25 years, he's never been on this side of the disease. The other meeting has a really great lady that I love to talk to, but she's never had to practice this program with an active addict. In fact, she often says she doesn't know if she could handle it if her husband stepped back out. *sigh* I need experience, strength and hope from someone that's "been there, done that". Someone that has actual, real life experience with active addiction.
I know what I'm "supposed" to do. I just don't know HOW. Or what that looks like in a real life situations. It's easy to say, "Detach with love" or "Let go and let God" or the Serenity Prayer. But what does that really look like when you come home from work with plans for the family to go shopping or out to eat and your husbands high? What if it makes you sick to your stomach to be around him in this state?
Do you break the plans? Causing distress for the kids. Do you suck it up and play 'good wife'?
I get so angry sometimes when I read the literature and go to the meetings and it says something about 'not causing arguments, stress, don't nag, etc
I mean, God forbid we make the addict angry, right?!?!
I'm sorry. I think I've babbled enough. I'm just really having a hard time today. I have attended one of these online meetings a few weeks ago. I think I'll try it again.
Is it possible to have an online sponsor? Someone you've never met? Is that honestly successful?
Thank you to anyone still reading this craziness. I just needed to get it out.
Love to all of you!