Finding My Own Spirituality
Before I started working the Nar-anon program, I was consumed with my “superwoman” powers. I was so busy “fixing” my addict and his messes that I couldn’t escape from the Survival Mode, which I had become so accustomed to. Step One allowed me to recognize I was powerless and freed me from continuing my own obsessive and destructive behaviors. I had been acting and feeling insane for so long, that I had forgotten what it was to be sane.
By working on Step One, I discovered I had a lot of time. Too much time! My efforts had shifted from the physical behavior of fixing things to a more emotional struggle. I was overcome with feelings that I had no idea what to do with. The anxiety, fear and anger were overwhelming. My head and heart were on overdrive worrying about if my addict was alive or dead, if he was in jail, if he would potentially kill himself or someone else, if he had a roof over his head at night or food in his belly, the list goes on…On to Step Two…
For a long time, I tried to skip Step Two, simply because I couldn’t understand it as anything other than a Religious step… While raised in a Catholic home, I found myself in a state of confusion and didn’t know how to feel about any of it. Growing up I attended CCD and church, but I never developed a relationship with the God that was forced upon me. Do I believe? Am I just angry? What exactly do I believe? I originally felt like I was being forced to address my religious confusion in order to work the steps. I felt an instant block in my progress, and recovery seemed impossible.
So instead, I kept working on Step One and spent a lot of my time in the chat room where I received a tremendous amount of support from other members. I attended meeting after meeting, listening and learning as others shared their Experiences, Strength and Hope. I took in what made sense to me and even some stuff that I wasn’t sure about and implemented what worked within my life. Some could say that at times, the members of the chat room were a Higher Power at work. Over time I realized that I was letting go of my anxiety, fear and anger. I had begun to feel that everything was going be ok; that I too had the right to laugh again. And while I have not outright resolved my religious questions, I gained a peaceful feeling that I can only describe as spiritual; a spiritual feeling I have never had before. A blind trust in something greater than me, that allows me to let go of my co-dependent emotion, and know that everything will turn out the way it is meant to.
It took me a VERY LONG TIME to truly understanding the meaning behind Step Two. I prevented myself from working Step Two because of my own preconceived notions about what this step was asking of me. I hope if anyone finds themselves in similar situations that they can learn from my mistakes. You don’t have to have a specific belief in a Higher Power, but rather just be opened to the idea that there could be something greater than ourselves; a power responsible allowing you to let go of the negative emotions and finding the Hope again whether your addict is sober or not.