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Author Topic: Finding My Own Spirituality
Heartbroke-
n
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Heartbroken
Post Finding My Own Spirituality
on: October 24, 2013, 14:16
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Finding My Own Spirituality

Before I started working the Nar-anon program, I was consumed with my “superwoman” powers. I was so busy “fixing” my addict and his messes that I couldn’t escape from the Survival Mode, which I had become so accustomed to. Step One allowed me to recognize I was powerless and freed me from continuing my own obsessive and destructive behaviors. I had been acting and feeling insane for so long, that I had forgotten what it was to be sane.

By working on Step One, I discovered I had a lot of time. Too much time! My efforts had shifted from the physical behavior of fixing things to a more emotional struggle. I was overcome with feelings that I had no idea what to do with. The anxiety, fear and anger were overwhelming. My head and heart were on overdrive worrying about if my addict was alive or dead, if he was in jail, if he would potentially kill himself or someone else, if he had a roof over his head at night or food in his belly, the list goes on…On to Step Two…

For a long time, I tried to skip Step Two, simply because I couldn’t understand it as anything other than a Religious step… While raised in a Catholic home, I found myself in a state of confusion and didn’t know how to feel about any of it. Growing up I attended CCD and church, but I never developed a relationship with the God that was forced upon me. Do I believe? Am I just angry? What exactly do I believe? I originally felt like I was being forced to address my religious confusion in order to work the steps. I felt an instant block in my progress, and recovery seemed impossible.

So instead, I kept working on Step One and spent a lot of my time in the chat room where I received a tremendous amount of support from other members. I attended meeting after meeting, listening and learning as others shared their Experiences, Strength and Hope. I took in what made sense to me and even some stuff that I wasn’t sure about and implemented what worked within my life. Some could say that at times, the members of the chat room were a Higher Power at work. Over time I realized that I was letting go of my anxiety, fear and anger. I had begun to feel that everything was going be ok; that I too had the right to laugh again. And while I have not outright resolved my religious questions, I gained a peaceful feeling that I can only describe as spiritual; a spiritual feeling I have never had before. A blind trust in something greater than me, that allows me to let go of my co-dependent emotion, and know that everything will turn out the way it is meant to.

It took me a VERY LONG TIME to truly understanding the meaning behind Step Two. I prevented myself from working Step Two because of my own preconceived notions about what this step was asking of me. I hope if anyone finds themselves in similar situations that they can learn from my mistakes. You don’t have to have a specific belief in a Higher Power, but rather just be opened to the idea that there could be something greater than ourselves; a power responsible allowing you to let go of the negative emotions and finding the Hope again whether your addict is sober or not.

ingermol
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Post Re: Finding My Own Spirituality
on: December 13, 2014, 08:39
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I hear you Heartbroken... I had worked through step one on my own before joining Naranon. It only took me 10 years 🙂 I had gotten to the point where I thought I had the addiction. It became such a prevalent part of my life. I finally realized it wasn't going away. Every time he promised and he couldn't keep that promise. I kept expecting that everything would go back. Then, I realized I had to do something about me. I had two choices. I could leave him and our life or I could change myself and my own world so I could cope with my new life. In that process, both my parents passed away and I so remember what my parents always told me. "Are your problems causing you to turn to God or lose God?". I prayed so much for God's help in helping me find my new journey. I believe God has led me to find this Naranon group and a support group on FB too. I'm still working on this step. I find it strangely soothing to work on this step. I know that I am far from understanding it or coming to my own understanding of it. I'm still uncertain. I have a lot of questions. Mostly about me and how to guide my 9 yr old son. How to train myself to communicate with my husband so as to disengage from his addiction while still talking to him. But I read somewhere that God put us on this earth to experience personal love. Messy Love. Sweaty Love. Broken Love. Whole Love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling.Demonstrated through the beauty of ... messing up. Often. We didn't come here to be perfect. We already are. We came here to be gorgeously human. Gorgeously human. Flwaed and Fabulous. ... and then it goes on. Written by Courtney A Walsh. This piece has given me so much solace. Anyhow, I'm rambling. But, I can see where these steps are hard. Hope it doesn't take me another 10 years to work through this one 🙂

leahx3
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Post Re: Finding My Own Spirituality
on: July 15, 2015, 22:24
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I just wanted you to know how much reading your post helped me! I always felt the same way in thinking that I had to have religious views to complete this step and to even work any of the steps. Now I'll be able to successfully work on step 2. 🙂

Heartbroke-
n
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Heartbroken
Post Re: Finding My Own Spirituality
on: August 4, 2015, 09:24
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It took me a long time to get to the point I am at, but that's ok by me 🙂 I am glad that you found it helpful!

Breeze
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Post Re: Finding My Own Spirituality
on: July 22, 2016, 21:03
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I have a strong faith in God. That faith is why I'm alive right now. I was raised in church and my mother thankfully instilled a no nonsense belief in me that my Heavenly Father had my back, even while my earthly father was so abusive. I'm not one for organized religion but the relation that I have with my Higher Power, whom I choose to recognize as God, has been my rock. Yes, I know without a doubt that God can restore order in my life and can heal my addicted son. He is my only hope.

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