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Author Topic: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
Daisydclow-
n
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Posts: 6
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Post Re: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
on: October 2, 2016, 17:40
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I just love what you said about step one Annie. I guess I am at step one and trying to do nothing and allow him (my husband) to follow the journey he chooses. This makes me feel peaceful and allows me to go on without him in my life. A bit lonely and not what I choose, but as I ask him to allow me to be "me," I have to allow him to be just that - him. We spoke a bit this week and saw each other and we haven't spoken in 2 days now and it makes my mind thinking, "is he using?" He didn't make it to church this am and will he be there tonight? It's hard to sit at church without him. I am ok at home without him, but would really like him by my side. Oh well! My desires are just that - mine. I can't force him to do anything, nor do I choose to.

I was thinking this am that he has to do all of the work on him and I cannot force him to start, but I can work on me. That is my focus - pull back and detach a bit to care about me.

I sit here and think about his addiction and part of me thinks, "I would feel guilty if something happens to him," and the other side says, "it is none of my business." I now know that I can't force him into anything, guilt him, or coerce him. I am letting go and letting God be in charge of us, individually and jointly, and whatever happens, I get to choose my choices, actions, reactions, etc.

Ethansmama-
0804
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Posts: 1
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Post Re: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
on: April 23, 2017, 19:45
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I just don't understand...... That's all I can really say at this point I wrote down important parts of the reading and I am hoping that I can work my step one. I am powerless over the addict. Just keep repeating it. I am powerless over the addict! I am powerless. We have been together for almost 4 years. The first 2 1/2 I was completely oblivious and had no idea that he was an addict. I have never been around it so I had no idea. He finally told me. I was shocked! How do you react when you find out something like that? I just balled my eyes out and wanted to "fix" him. I just kept asking him what I can do to help him.... He just said that I can't... I felt helpless... Then I found this group and al-anon in my area. It's the best thing to happen to me. I need that support. To this day I still do not understand. I still have a hard time saying that "I am powerless over the addict." I have a hard time because I still have that thinking that I can help. Is there something I can say? Is there something I can do? But that's why I am here. I am going to hand it all over to my higher power. I am powerless over the addict.

Barbarafor-
them
Newbie
Posts: 9
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Post Re: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
on: June 21, 2017, 10:32
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Hi Newbie,
Apparently I am an enabler too. My daughter is 30 and I tried everything to keep her from using. I could never catch her doing it and never had any proof. She wasn't using all the time but would do it when I had her kids and was busy with trying to take care of my husband, a business, and babysitting her 2 kids while she worked. She would lie to me and come up with excuses to leave her kids with me then go to get drugs. At the time, I thought her excuses were legitimate until she got caught. Then, the truth came out after DCFS showed up and took her kids. They took them from my house and said that they wouldn't leave them with me because I enabled her. If I had known that she was manipulating me and using me so she could run around and get high, I would have done something different. She just finished rehab and we are fighting to get her kids back. While she was working through rehab, I was also attending counseling with the rehabs family therapist. This is where I learned just how much my daughter had manipulated me and exactly what she had been doing. Now looking back at everything, I understand how I enabled, and how everything I tried to do to find out the truth was a waste of time. Because I never saw her high or found any evidence of her using the evidence was who she was hanging out with and her being evasive. And, her always being tired and wanting to sleep all the time. She worked nights so I thought that was why she was not getting up in the morning. She would have the kids call me to come get them and I loved being with the kids so I could never say no to them. She knew that and used it against me. When you put all of it together her drug use becomes real apparent. I was just trying to help out my single parent daughter but I was enabling, unknowingly and unwillingly. Now that she is out of rehab, I am having to face the facts that I was powerless over her addiction and use of drugs. They become so good at manipulating that we lose sight of everything else going on. She is still trying to manipulate and use me but I quit answering her text and I stopped solving her problems. When they start using drugs everything becomes out of our control. They become different people and we suffer because of it. Running back and helping is what we want to do because we are mothers but that is exactly what we shouldn't do. I still want to try and control everything and it kills me to just step back and let her take the reins. They created the problem so they need to fix the problem. By continuing trying to control or enable we are keeping ourselves on a cycle that won't end until we jump off and stop the cycle. I too pray everyday and when things get tough I pray some more. I talk to a friend who has been clean and sober for 14 years who knows the manipulation and she keeps telling me that they are going to do what they want to do and they won't change until they want to change. My daughter swears she wants her kids back and is doing what she is suppose to but she doesn't talk to me unless she wants something. This is still part of that cycle and I have had to learn to say no. You are doing the right thing and it is terrifying. We are powerless over them but we are not powerless over us.

shepame
Newbie
Posts: 2
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Post Re: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
on: September 13, 2017, 22:02
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Step 1 is hard for me, but I am learning. I cannot control my son's choices and I talk myself through not controlling, meddling, etc. Unfortunately, I am not successful every time. It is so hard because he is my son and he is only 22. My son tells me I cannot control his choices and his addiction is not my fault. He has to want to stay clean and it has nothing to do with me. I need to really focus on releasing more. I have come a long way, but i still have work to do in this area.

BrittanyW1-
09
Newbie
Posts: 1
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Post Re: STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
on: November 18, 2017, 20:56
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This is the hardest thing for me to do. I just want my husband to make the right choices so that he can be the dad and husband I know he is when he isn't using. Every day I ask God "why" and struggle with the fact that I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to just be sober. Every time I try to relinquish control to God it only lasts a couple of days (or hours!) and then I go back to trying to control the situation and trying to "save" him. It's so hard and such a daily struggle.

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