I hit bottom. My finances are in shambles. And I keep trying this way or that to solve problems only it doesn't work. And I keep feeling like I'm being mean and maybe I'm misjudging him. In order to keep myself from going back on my word to myself, I went hunting for proof of use. (Un)luckily, the proof was there. And just like that it hit me that I can't help my husband. He has to want to help himself. All my leniency, hope that he would do the right thing etc has only left me almost homeless. Dependent on the kindness of friends, family, my Faith community. And no one knows why I'm in such dire straits.

Or maybe everyone knows. Maybe my effort to keep secrets has been futile all along.

Anyway. I reached step one - powerless over the addict. And I'm suddenly aware how like an addiction it is to want to go back to the status quo instead of standing my ground and maintaining healthy boundaries that allow me to get myself on track.

I never knew it felt like a compulsion til I reached step 1.

Thanks.

apart of a whole new so to speak ball game. I understand addiction is addiction but this addiction is killing me and destroying me more than anything. I understand this is my AH's

demon to bare but all my focus is on him 24\7. the constant worry and fear have completely controlled. He tells me all the time he needs to get off what he is on but can't do it

alone, I offer to help and stand by his side throughout the process and that no matter what I will always be here for him. I know I want sobriety mored for him than he does for

himself and that is not how it works. I need to get back into my 12 steps because once I had found out about everything that has been happening I have officially forgotten

everything I learned years ago. My AH will not speak to me about anything that is going on because I don't know anything so I have reached out to addicts in remission to help

me understand but now I feel it's time to speak with people who are also riding this roller coaster of scariness. I need to break down and speak with someone one on one who I

can tell my whole story to from beginning to end and how it all started and who will let me fall apart, scream and yell and fall apart into a puddle of nothing, because everyday I

put this face on like everything is great and perfect. No one in my family knows because well that goes with being able to tell my whole story.

Getting to the Ninth Step has not been easy. Many of us had a hard time seeing that we had harmed anyone. Our struggle with the physical, emotional and spiritual wreckage cause by addiction convinced us that others were the cause of what had gone wrong. Working the preceding steps helped us recognize our part in the troubles in our lives. In the Eighth Step we made a list of those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. One name which may have been omitted from this list is our own. We in Nar-Anon often demand perfection of ourselves and are inevitably disappointed when we do not meet this impossible standard.

In essence, Step Nine is a forgiveness of ourselves, expressed to those we have harmed. Sharing our inadequacies and shortcomings with others will be easier when we fully forgive ourselves.

Step Nine is an essential element in our relationship with our Higher Power. It's not that making amends to others is a precondition imposed upon us by our Higher Power. If our Seventh Step request that our Higher Power remove our shortcomings is genuine, we will inevitably feel a deep need to clean up the messes we made.

Bringing ourselves to forgive is sometimes difficult; anger and resentment which may have been accumulating for years are powerful obstacles. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance of each person's humanity, including all the imperfections, and a release of the angry emotions which keep us separated from each other.

The Ninth Step directs us to make amends to those we have harmed. What does it mean to make amends? The dictionary defines amends as "compensation for a loss or injury." This definition does not refer to apologizing or saying we are sorry, something we may have assumed was required by the Ninth Step. Changed behavior is a more sincere means of making amends.

We most likely need to make amends to the addict. Initially, this may be difficult to face. We have been through months and years of frustration, and are angry and resentful as a result. Yet these are the reasons these amends need to be made. Sometimes it takes the Higher Power to show us the means, the time and the place to do this.

We must be willing to make amends even where we fear others will be unable to forgive us. Sometimes we will be greatly surprised by the response we receive. Other times the relationship is beyond mending. Ultimately, the response of others is not important. The real work to be done is in ourselves. As we consciously apply the changed attitudes we have developed in the earlier Steps to the process of making amends, we will experience the rich satisfaction of forgiveness - of ourselves and others.

Who is amends for - me or the person I am making amends to?

If we want to stop reading now, we should realize that the only physical action in this Step is the first part - “to make a list”. The second part, “became willing...” indicates that we’re ready for more recovery. If we don’t think we need to make amends for anything, we should look through our Fourth Step work again. Reviewing character defects improves the memory.

Getting this far implies that we now understand we may occasionally have been at fault. All we really need to do is give ourselves some quiet, private time to think about our relationships with other people. Of course, everyone’s list will be very unique, but there are some general guidelines that can be used.

The first name on the list should be ours. The shiniest haloes are above the ones who have hurt themselves the most. All in the name of helping our addicts, we have delayed or ignored our own health care, sometimes to the point of serious illness. We have canceled our vacations and dropped out of school. We have berated ourselves for not being perfect. We have scorned our own instincts and distrusted our own judgment. We have made ludicrous financial decisions. We have denied ourselves everything from flowers to new cars. Would we treat our best friends that way? No! We need to make amends to ourselves for simply not knowing how to cope with our situations. This is not to say that we should write off our mistakes, but we should acknowledge that we’re not perfect, we’re not mind-readers, and we’re not gods.

Who’s next on the list? Undoubtedly, the people who qualify us for Nar-Anon. Who among us has not been judgmental, antagonistic and insulting, or indifferent, manipulative and callous? Our behavior towards our “qualifiers” had not always been considerate and understanding. Speaking from experience, the people who are the nicest on the outside can be the most spiteful on the inside. Yet if we are honest, we will have to admit that many of our character defects were evident and even highlighted in our relationships with the addict.

There are many people who have been harmed as a direct result of our dealing with addiction. Did we ignore the needs of our children in our obsession with an addicted spouse? Were we angry and impatient with friends and relatives who tried to give us advice we did not want to hear? Did we cut ourselves off from others in an attempt to protect the secrets resulting from the addiction? Did we lie or engage in some form of illegal conduct in an attempt to cover for the addict? Clearly all who were affected by such behavior can be added to our list.

As we reflect further, we may conclude that we also have harmed people unrelated to the problems of addiction in our lives. Our character defects existed long before our involvement with the addict. We may list harms done to friends, relatives, colleagues… to people in all areas of our lives.

The next part of this Step is to become willing to make amends. Note: it doesn’t say make amends (yet), it just says to become willing. Granted, this willingness may not come easily. The best incentive will be to watch the progress of other Nar-Anon members who have already taken this Step. Without a doubt, the same humility necessary for the Fifth Step (admitting the exact nature of our wrongs) will be needed for true willingness to make amends. Amends absolutely cannot come from a heart still filled with resentment. The honesty and insight that has grown from working the earlier Steps may lead us to see that we can make little further progress without cleaning up the past by making these amends.

“What?! Me, make amends? This is absurd. What about my
husband? He was the one who couldn’t finish college or
keep a job. He was the one hitting me when he got too high
(or too low). I was the one with the steady salary. I was the
one who did the chores. And it was my credit rating that was
wiped out by bankruptcy, thanks to his drug addiction.”

“I never sympathized with his pain. I didn’t even try to understand
his problems. On a more subtle level, I started judging him and
other people, too. No one could compare with me and my dedi-
cation, my tenacity, my heroic martyrdom.”

“I was the good one. I didn’t hurt anyone and I don’t have any
amends to make. Well, maybe I shouldn’t have called that drug
dealer a revolting worm, but he really asked for it. I guess it was
dumb to hit my husband back just because he hit me first. My
friends must have really been hurt when I stopped seeing them
because he didn’t like them. It was certainly wrong to lie to family
members to get money from them.”

“All right, maybe I do have a list to make.”

Why do I need to become willing to make amends to all of the people I have harmed?

Thanks for sharing. Your post is uplifting. Often there is an expectation from families and friends of addicts that they don't have to do the work to make their lives better. Many come to Nar-Anon thinking their troubles are all the addict's fault. It is great to see that you are taking responsibility for your own life.

Hope you will continue to share more of your story.

Yours in service and friendship,
Annie

There are Nar-Anon members who will say that when they first read this Step they thought, “This one is for the addict, not me!” Because the Twelve Steps were adopted from Narcotics Anonymous some of us thought they were given to us in Nar-Anon just to let us know about one of the tools the addicts would be using during their recovery. We felt we could pick and choose the steps we wanted to use believing they could not all apply to us because we were perfect. But, after attending several meetings it dawned on us that we must also use all of the Steps, including Step Seven. This Step makes us realize that humbly means to yield our will to the Higher Power’s will. After this, we then must be willing to ask the Higher Power to remove our flaws.

Before Nar-Anon many of us believed we had no shortcomings. After all, we didn’t have a problem with drug abuse, the addicts did. Nar-Anon opened our eyes so we could see how judgmental, manipulative and self-righteous most of us were. We saw how we manipulated the addict through:

our money (“you’re not going to get my money to use for drugs”)
our bodies (“I don’t want to make love to an addict:)
our words (“I can’t talk to you and you don’t listen”)
our negative attitudes (“I’m better than you because you’re an addict”)

We knew the best way to live, the right way. Our way was the only way.

Resentment, anger and fear were our emotions. There was no room in our hearts for tolerance, patience and good-will. We thought joy and happiness were not ours because of the addict. We blamed our unfortunate state of affairs on the addict. We believed we were justified in our judgments.

When we finally worked on Step Seven and asked the Higher Power to remove these shortcoming, we began to live a better life. We learned to be humble and admit our wrongs. We have found that we don’t know what is right for others. We are finding that many of us don’t even know what is right or ourselves. We learned healthier ways to express our emotions. We learned we do have choices. Our own joy and happiness is our responsibility.

Through changed attitudes we now know that just like the addicts, we must accept the consequences of our actions. As we use the Steps in our daily affairs we will continue to humbly ask the Higher Power to remove our shortcoming. Yes, we have shortcomings.

Can I accept myself, humbly, as I am, and give to my higher power the task of determining what and when to remove my shortcomings?

What does, “Humbly asked...” mean to me in this Step?