Nar-Anon Chat™ - Forum: Step One

dugout654 on Step 1. Acceptance

Mon, 04 Apr 2022 09:31:50 -0400

Our meetings are at 9:00 pm Eastern Time on Monday and Thursday and 8:30 PM on Saturday in the chat room. Most people enter the chat room right about start time.

Caressa89 on Step 1. Acceptance

Wed, 29 Dec 2021 13:16:40 -0500

I'm so glad I found this site. I haven't yet been to a meeting but have found some relief in reading what others have commented and the different forums. I can't talk to anyone in my family and definitely can't talk to my boyfriend without him screaming at me about how I overthink and overreact. I'm totally lost and it's taking a toll on me. I'm becoming so emotional about this that I'm starting to believe he's right when he says I'm the crazy one. He's right when he says that I'm obsessed with his drug use and he's right when he says that I need to focus more on being a mom. I'm feel so embarrassed and guilty for where my attention has been. Anyways.... I'm excited to join tomorrow's meeting. See you all then.

missz on Step 1. Acceptance

Sat, 11 Dec 2021 17:35:07 -0500

Does anyone use the chat room? I’m still navigating the site but sat in chat but no one was there. I need to start
Moving through these steps as my husband has an addiction and it’s been a nightmare for 8 years. I’m ready. I’m miserable. And I just lost most of my 40’s trying to fix everything that I can’t control.

Marilyn22 on Step 1. Acceptance

Sat, 11 Dec 2021 17:25:46 -0500

HI.....Read your posts, and understand so completely......I have enabled my son for so long....passing him money,...overdrawing my accounts.....just to stop his sickness, and anger fits. I have been unhappy for such a long time. It is now time for me to accept that I cannot change him and his addiction......he must want that himself. But I must learn to not enable him. It is so difficult for me to do......he comes to me sick and crying, and desperate. He can work on me for days til I give in and get him some money.....And I live in fear he will overdose, or get hurt. It is so hard for me to NOT help him. I think there is something wrong with me, too. I always give in. I will keep going to the online chat meeting.....It really did give me some hope, which I have not felt in a long long time. thanks so much....will keep coming back.

AllisonJ on Step 1. Acceptance

Sat, 25 Sep 2021 18:05:27 -0400

Yes, it is almost like we become addicted to the chaos in our lives. Unfortunately, we too, often have to hit a bottom before we finally seek help for ourselves. I hope that you will find the support that you need to work through these difficult times and to be able to start to find the strength you need to move forward with your recovery. There are many understanding and supportive people who attend our meetings and they are so convenient as we can attend from wherever we are. Hope to meet you at one of them.

Tam-Elis on Step 1. Acceptance

Fri, 24 Sep 2021 10:40:45 -0400

We always talk about the addict hitting bottom but what about the enabler?

I hit bottom. My finances are in shambles. And I keep trying this way or that to solve problems only it doesn't work. And I keep feeling like I'm being mean and maybe I'm misjudging him. In order to keep myself from going back on my word to myself, I went hunting for proof of use. (Un)luckily, the proof was there. And just like that it hit me that I can't help my husband. He has to want to help himself. All my leniency, hope that he would do the right thing etc has only left me almost homeless. Dependent on the kindness of friends, family, my Faith community. And no one knows why I'm in such dire straits.

Or maybe everyone knows. Maybe my effort to keep secrets has been futile all along.

Anyway. I reached step one - powerless over the addict. And I'm suddenly aware how like an addiction it is to want to go back to the status quo instead of standing my ground and maintaining healthy boundaries that allow me to get myself on track.

I never knew it felt like a compulsion til I reached step 1.

Thanks.

dugout654 on Step 1. Acceptance

Mon, 12 Apr 2021 11:07:54 -0400

Dreah, please check out our program and give it a try. you will learn so much and will help with your own recovery.

dreah on Step 1. Acceptance

Sat, 20 Mar 2021 09:55:09 -0400

I only know now that I have no power over the addict because of going to Al-Anon meetings a few years ago because of the addict I had married. However, I feel as though I am

apart of a whole new so to speak ball game. I understand addiction is addiction but this addiction is killing me and destroying me more than anything. I understand this is my AH's

demon to bare but all my focus is on him 24\7. the constant worry and fear have completely controlled. He tells me all the time he needs to get off what he is on but can't do it

alone, I offer to help and stand by his side throughout the process and that no matter what I will always be here for him. I know I want sobriety mored for him than he does for

himself and that is not how it works. I need to get back into my 12 steps because once I had found out about everything that has been happening I have officially forgotten

everything I learned years ago. My AH will not speak to me about anything that is going on because I don't know anything so I have reached out to addicts in remission to help

me understand but now I feel it's time to speak with people who are also riding this roller coaster of scariness. I need to break down and speak with someone one on one who I

can tell my whole story to from beginning to end and how it all started and who will let me fall apart, scream and yell and fall apart into a puddle of nothing, because everyday I

put this face on like everything is great and perfect. No one in my family knows because well that goes with being able to tell my whole story.

dugout654 on Step 1. Acceptance

Mon, 15 Mar 2021 13:21:27 -0400

I will never forget the 10 years of hell I went through trying to change my addicted son. I was a demanding, manipulative angry father who was determined to cure and fix my sons illness. I thought I was always in control of his life and was never gonna give up trying to save him. Today I realize I was 100 % wrong in how I dealt with him. I know I only contributed to his illness, and realize now that I was also very sick. I don't know how long I had been coming to Nar-Anon meetings before I accepted Step 1; I was powerless over the addict and my life was miserable. Sometime during those first few months I had been coming to meetings, I was able to accept I was powerless over him. What a relief!!!!! I could not control his actions. I was no longer responsible for his behavior. I did not have to pay his bills, fines, bail or attorney fees. All I could do was Let go let God, and turn him over to his higher power. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Life really started to improve for me as I could know really focus on taking care of me and getting better.

leftcoastannie on Step 1

Sat, 13 Mar 2021 07:16:28 -0500

Hi Hotpocket1,

Thanks for sharing. Your post is uplifting. Often there is an expectation from families and friends of addicts that they don't have to do the work to make their lives better. Many come to Nar-Anon thinking their troubles are all the addict's fault. It is great to see that you are taking responsibility for your own life.

Hope you will continue to share more of your story.

Yours in service and friendship,
Annie

hotpocket1 on Step 1

Sat, 13 Mar 2021 05:04:00 -0500

Hi,
My life has been unmanageable. I admit that and accept it. I'm learning to take responsibility for what happens in my life. I am taking steps to find myself and steer my own life. It isn't easy, but the people on the journey with me give me strength and encouragement to push past the pain to keep growing.
Thank you!

HelenK on STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM

Sun, 03 Nov 2019 18:28:36 -0500

I haven't any local face-to-face Nar-Anon meetings to go to, but go to Al-Anon meetings. There, they say "powerless over alcohol". I had assumed that here we'd say "powerless over the drug". I used to struggle so hard with the feeling of powerlessness over a substance, and over that substance's apparent control over someone I love so much. Then, one day, someone in an al-anon meeting once substituted "people, places, and events" for "alcohol" (or as we would say "the addict"). "I am powerless over people, places, and events". Her point was that the Only thing she had power over was herself. And whammo! It made so much sense to me.
I can't control my kids - they're people with their own drives, ambitions, foibles, (and sadly addictions). I have enough to deal with trying to control my own emotions, how the h*ll do I think I'm going to control someone else? I'm not omnipotent; and thank the heavens, I'm not even supposed to be.
With that, it became so much easier! I was able to let go of trying to control so much that was beyond my control - and my own anxiety lessened.
I learned to stay in my own lane, and drive my own life. Getting in anyone else's lane is as likely to get myself run over as is is to help them stay on their path.
Lately, I'm having to learn that lesson again. My child is one week out of rehab, and doing well so far in a recovery home. But I have to fight so hard to keep from checking up on her, and worrying about her. I just need to remember that it's HER recovery, and that's something over which I have ZERO control. Just like I had no control when she chose to live on the streets where she could use in peace instead of in my safe home where she had to hide it all the time. At least, for now, she's safe.

dass on STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 12:52:25 -0400

I'm new to this and stuck on Step 1. I accept I'm powerless and it's up to God and my daughter to handle it, but there's so many unusual complications with her issue that it's near impossible to remove myself from helping in a few ways. I don't want to give money but we provide a home for her as a single mom and her toddler son. The sperm donor is a crackhead claiming he's in recovery but is violent even when not using drugs and has threatened us on texts. I'd never do anything to risk our 2 year old grandson falling into that guy's hands; therein lies the issue that our little grandson knows no other family and safety than my husband, daughter and myself - which is his security. My husband is his male father figure, I'm the second mother. Our daughter is great with him, very loving, kind and caring when she's home and he adores her. She was placed on methadone by a judge in another state after arrest for possession of heroin and then she became pregnant and the doctors wouldn't allow her to detox from it. The methadone clinic elevated her to a high enough level the heroin does not work, but she still occasionally used. Feeling she had "liquid handcuffs" (methadone) requiring daily visits to the county clinic 2 hours travel daily, she tried unsuccessfully 3 times the past 2 years to decrease (detox) from methadone but rehabs in our state did rapid detox which I've learned defeats the purpose. Each time she went out into heavier heroin use to supplement the lowered methadone in order to keep from being sick, going through the withdrawal symptoms. Last rehab promised us a slow detox 10mg weekly, but did 5mg daily instead after telling us otherwise. I wanted to shoot myself for believing the intake nurse, and a week later we were back to the beginning. She's now been raised to therapeutic methadone level but left again today due to habit of sticking that needle into herself what the heck. Today she tried to take her son with her, after much argument and giving her $20 to leave, I was able to keep him here safe at home with me. Our lawyer said if we sue her for custody in our state, the state will give the freak crackhead sperm donor option for custody. Obviously that is not an option. So I feel like the paper boat on the waves, drifting along until I'll eventually get saturated and sink. It's been such a long traumatic 11 years with her addiction. There's much more including her kidnapping and being sex trafficked by gangsters in a ring in a nearby city, the ptsd and trauma that accompanies that afterward, the lack of sex trafficking therapists for treatment in our state and the 3 surrounding states since it's a specialty, the death of one of the lead gangsters and inability of FBI to find the other one since he disappeared so he still has her address and drivers license and knows where she lives and of course we can't afford to move....the ptsd caused her to have dissociative identity on occasion so we just can not drop her altogether. Topping it off I stepped into a groundhog hole that broke and tore my ankle and leg needing trauma surgery so I'm unable to put weight on it and am in a wheelchair. So it's necessary for me to be wheeled out into my car, accompany her (in case she fades into her alter personality) to the methadone clinic daily and the specialty trafficking therapist weekly an hour away so she doesn't disappear with my car or grandson into the abyss. Like life's a mess but we feel paralyzed by the circumstances and she does keep working on recovery and going to meetings. We're an hour into the boondocks so not like there's public trans. It's a struggle for her, too. I don't want to be stuck on Step 1 but really don't see an option at this moment. I think sometimes we're just in circumstances in life alone and that's where we are stuck sometimes. But then I found this group a few days ago and there was a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping I'll find a way past Step 1 soon, I know it's in God's hands and have always believed our lives were his plan and there's little we can do to change it. So maybe I must continue to have patience and will just be one of those it takes longer to get past Step 1. Reading other peoples' posts has been encouraging so far, I believe this site is a good place to learn and improve my life. Thank you to whoever designed it.

sharonlee on STEP ONE - THE NAR-ANON TWELVE STEP PROGRAM

Fri, 19 Apr 2019 07:44:36 -0400

[quote][b]Quote from sarahbz on March 19, 2016, 11:49[/b]
kdsutter - yes same here! I always feel like there is 1 thing I haven't done or haven't said that will finally make the difference. I feel like if I don't keep trying to help, and he fails, that I will feel/be guilty for not trying. But, maybe "trying" is making it worse for him. I struggle with this part.[/quote]

so well said. I cant believe there are so many others out there that feel the same way. it is such a comfort